Acceptance and Recovery

It is only now,
After so long,
That I believe,
That there is more,
More for myself,
More for my life.

Maybe it is after realising,
Realising that our own lives
Cannot be defined by another's life
Or based on someone else's actions
It only leads to comparisons and feeling of guilt.

Me then: They have done it,I should have done it.
I should have, I didn't, I couldn't.
I couldn't then, I can't now, I never will.

Me now: They have done it, maybe I can.
I'm going to try and it's ok If I dont succeed this time I can always try again.

It is so easy to punish ourselves for the things we didn't do; what we could have done better/differently.

What we never do,or very rarely, is self praise. It seems as a society we have been taught that to be be humble is much more desirable. I'm not suggesting you go about gloating, or showing off to others but gloat to yourself! If you find yourself doubting your self,just remind yourself what you HAVE achieved.

When your inner critic tells you that you aren't good enough, when it doubts your ability, when it makes you over analyse every single situation; take a step back and challenge it, stand up to it. Treat it as if it's a typical playground bully. We have no control mostly over a bully being a bully, but how we react to it is completely within our control.

Bully: You are rubbish, a failure, you don't deserve to be happy and you definitely won't he able to do that.

Me then: I know I am,what's the point anymore.

Me now: Well that's what you think, but your opinion dosen't matter or make a difference anymore.

ACCEPTING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Accepting that our negative thoughts will creep in on us does not make us pessimists or mean we have given up, or in to them. It gives us the power to acknowledge them, but ignore them and replace them with something positive. Over time,in theory, the amount of negatives will be less and less and in time the positive thoughts will start to enter our minds first.

I think that there is a common misconception that acceptance of problems and illness especially mental is a negative thing, and like mentioned before, a sign of defeat. It couldn't be more the opposite. It is about accepting your problems, as part of you but not letting them define you.

You have a mental illness, you aren't mentally ill.

I have diabetes, I am not diabetic.

Yes, in essence, they mean the same thing but one gives off the impression of letting your problems/difficulties/differences define you as a whole when in fact the other just let's off that that is simply a small aspect of who you are.

Me then : I'm Alice, I'm mentally ill and I am diabetic and I can't control them.

Me now: I'm Alice, I have diabetes and I have a mental illness but today they are on their leashes.

We all talk about kicking the metaphorical 'black dog' down or fighting it. Perhaps that's our problem. Fighting it. Why not game it, train it and put it on a leash and bloody take control of it! YOU are the owner at the end of the day. YOU own your mind, it dosen't own you.

If People treated physical illness like mental illness...

If people treated physical illness like mental illness:

- Oh I know its hard but come on walking on a broken leg isn't too hard

- In the grand scheme of things, tuberculosis isn't the worst thing to have

- It's leukaemia, moaning about it isn't going to help.

- Oh come on, I mean I know you need an urgent transplant but you could be worse off.

- Sorry our funding has been cut, we are going to have to stop your dialysis. 

- I know you are having difficulty breathing and severe chest pains but come back if the feeling doesn't go.

- So you qualify for treatment on your broken arm but the waiting list is 2 years.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, if you wouldn't say it to someone who was physically ill, then try and stop yourself from saying it someone who is struggling with their mental health. The probability is that it will make them feel guilty about how they feel which they often don't have any control over or choice about. 

I have hope that one day there won't be a divide between the two types of illness and that treatment will be equal for both but in the meantime we have to spread awareness and lessen even more the stigma around mental health.

Weekly Street Style- Copenhagen.

I'm back.

Yes, much to my despair, I haven't posted,yet again, in a long time. But better late, than never I always say.


I'm going to start gearing my blog towards the fashion/photography side of things- don't worry, I'll still post a motivational, emotionally 'deep' post now and again, there's no escaping those bad boys.


With the help of a fellow fashion guru- or so he likes think - Seif Umaar- I'll research into a different cities street style and share the looks I like the most, and the ones I think give the most representation of said cities style, and Seif will comment on the Mens Style. I may try and re-create some of the looks,tweaking them here and there and post some ootd's inspired by the outfits.


This week, I have chosen the Danish capital, Copenhagen. Enjoy.

In my opinion, the overall aesthetic of the women's style in Copenhagen from what I can see, is quite masculine, with a lot of layering.

The first look you can assume is more of a winter/autumn look,or in Copenhagen as its often cold, maybe all year round. Layering of wools and loose fitting-t shirts,with the baggy fit leggings and the classic and versatile white converse all-stars results in an obviously thought through look that however gives the lazy/effortless feel (and comfortable).

The second of the looks, is my personal favourite, mainly for the,again, masculine silhouette (and my never ending love for monochrome). The outfit would be ideal for again winter/autumn or early spring, removing the shirt for a vest/t-shirt or wearing a sleeveless house coat like the one shown.

The third image and look, is similar to that of the first, in the slouchy, 'just thrown anything on' aesthetic. The cut-off, rough salvage edged shorts with the old leather tie gives the masculine feel-even with a pair of heels. This look could be perfect for any season, and perfect for a college/uni day, comfort yet still trendy.

Mens

With menswear the styles are very different. They vary from occasions to the type of seasons. The first model, you can deduct the layers he is wearing, the beanie plus the dark colours show that this outfit is best suited for the more chilly of seasons. 

Now the second model has more of an intriguing, old but modernised outfit. This outfit would be ideal for the spring, the white shirt with the cape/shawl, some dark wash slim fit jeans and some leather smart/casual shoes (model is wearing monk strap leather shoes). The fedora hat definitely tops of this look, to give it that classic 'cow boy' look.

The third model is wearing your ideal, modern summer look. A t-shirt, skinny fit jeans with some Chelsea boots. Simple but very fashionable and perfect for summer.

Hospital diary entry- A message of resiliance and determination.

Hello everyone, been a while(again).

I just thought instead of trying to think of what to write as a blog post; that I would share a diary entry. That's what a blog is anyway really isn't it?

I'm not going to edit it, just writing it word for word as it is in my diary. So if you only like stories about fluffy bunnies and butterflies then I suggest you go and watch a Disney Film.

5th March 2015- Location- A&E

All I see is fat in the mirror.
If I don't get help, I will kill off every organ, I've repeatedly asked for help.
I overdosed because I wanted to die.
I'm scared of death, but the feeling of guilt, shame, and disgust override any fear.
The constant voice telling you, you're not worthy of happiness.

I'm not skinny enough to be seen.
I'm not anorexic, I am diabulimic.............  * How ironic as I'm typing this word on my blog, it comes up as a typo, the only word it an suggest, Diabolic, says it all*
It's just as debilitating, just as dangerous, it's a quicker way to end up in a coma.
And I don't even care anymore, skinny, or nothing.

...................................................................................................

31st March- 26 days later.

It's been 26 days since I overdosed. I have put on weight, and each day, is getting hard to fight.
To fight, against the urge, to purge, in any way possible.
My HBA1C is down, that's great, my weight is up, I feel not so great. Can I win?

When my weight is down, my diabetes control is through the roof. A sure way to end up with all sorts of complications, blindness, neuropathy.
 A day before my 19th birthday, I found out I already have background retinopathy. I haven't even been diabetic for 5 years. Complications are not in the faraway future. They are real, and creep up sooner than you think.

I compare my eyesight to my mindset at the moment.
I'm in a room, trying to open the door to recovery, but my vision is so blurred, it's hard to make out where the door actually is, it's always further than you think.

But, as you get closer to something,physically, mentally, you become accustomed to it.
It somewhat becomes clear, in focus.
I used to think, I hate myself because I became diabetic, and fat, and dumb.

I live off a 'what if' mentality. ''What if I wasn't diabetic'' ''Would I still be competitively swimming, practicing martial arts, socialising with friends?''

At 14, I was thrust with Diabetes, a subconscious focus on restriction, perfectionism and a need for control to be praised by my parents. Now I can look back and recognise, is there any wonder I developed an eating disorder?

I still feel suicidal, a lot, I feel like my family suffer from the stress I burden them with. The irrational thoughts override the rational thoughts of my mind.

But I want to be a role model, a voice. I want to be someone who can reach out to others, in my situation or a similar one.

To reassure them, that life is actually like a Lift; there's no easy way out. Sometimes, you have to go to the bottom floor, to get to the top. With stops along the way, once twice, up and down. But these little blips, smooth out and eventually you DO reach your peak at your final destination.
............................................................................................

The reason I felt the need to post these entries, is to highlight the difference in mood, and how writing it down, at the time may seem irrelevant, but looking back, can make you realise how far you have come, and that even baby steps can sometimes be a huge achievement.

I will continue to fight, and would like to thank anyone and everyone who has been there, physically and emotionally and it hasn't all been in vain.

Alice x

Accepting defeat isn't a sign of failure.

This post is going to be entirely dedicated to my acceptance of leaving education; for good this time.

So I started studying Fashion at New College Nottingham this September, everything I ever wanted to do. The course itself, is brilliant, the tutors, everything you could ask for in a tutor and more; but I didn't consider myself. I'd had to leave college twice already, for reasons explained in previous posts, and I was determined to not let it beat me this time.

I started the course, with the same problems, and still not in good health. I tried my best to get on and do the work without my mental illness distracting my thoughts and daily activities, but it soon caught up. The first deadline came around and I'd not completed anywhere near enough work as I should.

Creatively, I can produce the work, my mind can come up with the designs, and I know I'm capable of the work given;but physically I couldn't. Lack of control of my Diabetes, anxiety attacks, and overwhelming feelings daily, meant I was having more and more days off. My tutor was extremely understanding an extended my deadline, but still I failed to get the work done.

I told myself it was time to get my head down and just do it, for myself, for my family. The new brief came under way and I again tried my best to get the work done. But I hadn't changed anything within myself; my thoughts or attitude towards my health, so of course I find my self struggling.

It's with this, that I'm taking the decision, to hold my hands up, and accept defeat. I can't be studying in an environment surrounded by materialistic values. It's all about appearance. Of course, it is, its fashion. You could say I asked for it. But I've always wanted to pursue a career in fashion,way before my self esteem and eating disorder issues came around.

The only way, I'm ever going to get better, is to remove myself from situations that are hindering my well-being. Studying fashion, is a constant reminder of all things looks and for someone with an low self esteem and body image issues, I can assure, is hell. Even making the actual garments, requires me to measure myself, or others. Instantly, I punish myself if I don't think I'm what I should be, or if a friend is slimmer/taller.

I said I wouldn't let it beat me, and you could say it is, because I'm giving up my dream for it. But I'm not, I'm accepting that now, is not a good time for me study fashion,and maybe it will never be. But I need health, I need happiness, and that comes above any qualification in life. If I don't sort my diabetes out soon, to be blunt, I will die, sooner rather than later. Or go blind by my mid-20's, a prospect no one wants.

Ultimately, I want to re-iterate that sometimes in life, it's ok to accept defeat, we can't all do what we set out to do,because situations change in life, and we have to learnt to adapt to stay well,and happy. For me right now, taking the pressure away, and getting a job or apprenticeship in a sector that isn't so based on weight/appearance may help. Or even getting a full time job in a clothing/beauty shop may help. I won't know until I try. But what I do know, is that right now, I'm not happy,or healthy. So how am I living? Something has to change, and it's going to be my surroundings.

I hope this can help people understand my actions more, as I feel sometimes I'm regarded a defeatist or negative and easily give up. I'm not, clearly, I'm still fighting and trying to find my happiness, and others need to realise, that you make your own happiness, don't live for others, or be set on ideas you had when you were younger. I was determined to study, then go to University. But quite frankly, that's not ideal for me.

Just live for the moment, and accept change and what may come with it. The greatest achievement in life in my opinion is Happiness, so don't settle for anything less.


“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

Learning to love life again- My experiences with Mental Illness

It's been a while since I last posted- oops.

But today, and in light of recent events, I've decided to dedicate a post to talking about a pretty personal issue of mine, Mental Illness.

Depression, Anxiety and Eating Disorders (My issues)- do not have switches, you don't wake up one day with one, likewise you can't wake up one day and decide you don't suffer from them anymore. For me, my trigger was my diabetes, I couldn't control it, it was controlling me. Also, I was around 15, and had exam pressures, I was struggling in Sciences, which I used to excel at, I couldn't be my best, So I decided to control my weight instead, cause I knew exactly how to do that.

It started innocently, I just wanted to be a bit slimmer, as I had actually put on weight after leaving my swimming club, initially, I just ate less crap food, nothing wrong with that surely?
But it became an obsession, the more I couldn't control my diabetes, the more I controlled my food intake. Until,it got to the point when I started to abuse my diabetes, as a method to lose weight. My mindset was, If I'm going to be a shit diabetic, I might as well use it to aid my obsession with my weight.

Can I just say, if you are a young, diabetic girl, reading this, DO NOT EVER skip insulin to lose weight, it doesn't work in the long run, you get sent to hospital to get stabilised, to go home to do the same thing, to go back to hospital.

I basically hit rock bottom, couldn't see any point in life, and because people had cracked on I was abusing my insulin, I found other ways to lose weight, ways I'm not going into, for the pure fact, I don't want to trigger or encourage these ways. HOWEVER, people who know me, will say I've never got severely underweight, and they would be true. I am not claiming to have anorexia nervosa, never have, never will. I've never been diagnosed with a specific eating disorder, because I have symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia.

This leads me to say, I have never , received specialist treatment for my disordered eating, I've been to CAMHS, had therapy for depression, but not once have I been to a clinic for an eating disorder. Initially, I thought, that's it, no hope, no point, I'm stuffed. I told myself, that I didn't deserve life, or help.

I'm going to put out there, that getting help psychologically, can however be successful for some, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) CAN work wonders, and seeing someone and talking to them about the issues you have, does help. But for me, I found it hard to engage.

A diabetic clinic appointment, only 3 months ago, opened my eyes completely. I was basically told, that If I get going like I was, abusing my diabetes, I would only live to 30, if I was lucky. I was given a time phase to live, and that scared me. Although I felt everyday, that I wasn't 'worthy of life' as such, I didn't want to die? Not that young. I had dreams,ambitions and things I wanted to achieve in life. So I decided to make the first step to 'recovery'. I admitted to myself, I had to change. Now.

The main barrier, was myself, and my anxiety. The fear of not controlling my weight, the fear of weight gain. I would over think every situation, to the point where I could think of things that could go wrong that now, looking back, would never even happen. So I decided, to regain control in an area of my life, that I thought could help take the thoughts away from the food, and self-doubt.
College, I'd dropped out twice because of my Mental Health, but the old fighting Alice, decided third time lucky, it's happening this year.

I can't put into words how much attending college, doing something that boosts my confidence, has helped. Doing something you enjoy, and something you know you are good at, because everyone is good at something, takes your mind off those negative thoughts, slowly, but surely.

I can hand on heart say, that since starting college, have gone from purging after every meal, to doing it once in the whole month I've been there, and haven't done it for three weeks, (stress in the first week got the better of me).
I haven't self harmed or even thought about it since I've started.
I'm doing a lot more of my injections, not all, not claiming to be perfect, but it's a start.

What I want to get across is that YOU create your own happiness. If you're not happy within yourself, take a step back, and ask yourself what makes you happy. Whether it be helping others, being creative, whatever makes you happy, do it, do it do it. If you're going through a tough time, and think, that it's not worth it, there's nothing to live for, you're wrong. There is always something worth living for.

A few little pointers I suggest, to help snap out of Depression/Anxiety/Disordered Eating,

•  Surround yourself with the people who you know will have your back, through whatever.
• Admit you're struggling, to yourself, and your parents/loved ones.
• Stand up to it; take back that happiness, challenge yourself, it's hard, but it's worth it
• Say Yes to things you wouldn't normally do; in my case, going out to town/meeting new people
• Don't be afraid of failure- you're not going to be perfect at everything, if you fall down, get straight back up and give it another go!
• LOVE YOURSELF- You're you, you were born to be you, if you're going to be good at something, be the best you, don't try to be that pretty girl at school with the perfect skin or the really clever girl in your class; you've probably got something they envy too.

I'm sorry this is SO long, but I really could talk about this topic forever, I hope I have helped people in writing this, to let people know, Mental Illness, can happen to anyone, but anyone can overcome their problems. 

Thankyou for reading, it's taken a lot for me to open up like this, but it's worth it if it's going to help people! :)

Take Care, and be happy!

xxxx

Type 1 Diabetes- Clearing the myths and misconceptions

 Hey Everyone, today , as my first blog post (excluding my introduction) I thought I would dedicate it, as promised, to my good friend Type 1 Diabetes.

I have had Type 1 Diabetes since the age of 14, and unlike a lot of people who normally get diagnoses via check ups at the GP, fell extremely ill, extremely quickly. I became fatigued, and tired all the time, which I put down to the heat of the summer (it was in May 2010). I actually even sort of blacked out/collapsed during an athletics class at school, which for an extremely fit, sporty person, was not like me at all. I then started drinking A LOT, I mean a lot, I could easily have drank over 5 litres of liquid a day, and was obviously going to the toilet A LOT. I also had the symptoms of a typical cold/flu; so my parents didn't react....for about two weeks.

It all came to a head, when I couldn't even keep sips of water down without violently throwing up.
I had lost a lot of weight, around 1stone, in 2WEEKS, and on a Saturday morning( I was so out of it I can't even tell you the date) I think I blacked out. I'm not sure what happened that morning, but my brother found me in a heap of clothes on the kitchen floor, and well, anyone who knew me at the time, would have done what my brother did, and laughed. I'm a joker,I do that kind of thing, but when my Dad came back, he literally took me straight to the walk in centre, where they sent me straight to A&E at QMC.

I can't tell you what happened there, I think I was slipping out of consciousness, but I do remember there being a lot of nurses and doctors around me. I've been told they read my blood sugar level after my Dad told them my symptoms, and my blood sugar levels were SO high, they couldn't get a reading on their monitor. And there it was, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I was around 30-60 minutes away from a Diabetic Coma.

So, how did I go from being so healthy, active and sporty to being Diabetic?

No one knows. There is no cause, although doctors and scientists say that it is caused by the body attacking its own immune system, an autoimmune attack. This means the cells in the pancreas, are destroyed, ultimately stopping the pancreas from producing the hormone, insulin.

It is this insulin, that everyone needs, to regulate their blood sugar levels, when carbohydrate is consumed,via food. SO, obviously, before I was diagnosed, in those weeks, I got worse and worse, because I was eating, and drinking, without my body being able to break the glucose down.

Now you know my story, I'd like to clear up a few things, and hopefully answer the common questions have when it comes to TYPE 1 DIABETES.

The main,most asked question I get off people is:

CAN YOU EAT CHOCOLATE?

HELL YES. I can eat, whatever the F**** I want, provided I give my insulin, in accordance to the right amount of carbohydrate I will be consuming. Obviously, it is as important to eat a healthy balance diet for me, than it is for anyone. But for arguments sake, if I wanted to eat 5 Mars Bars in one go, I jolly well could.

Do you have to do injections?

Yes, however, Type 1 Diabetics can also use a pump to supply their insulin, but I have always injected. I have to do an injection with EVERY meal, or a snack over 10grams of carbohydrate. I also have to give a background injection at night,every night. This leads people to ask , does it hurt?
No, you get so used it, that you don't feel it, even at first, they don't hurt, because the needles are TEEEEENY (4mm).

Can you drink/smoke?

With drinking, I CAN drink, but, you have to be organised and plan it. You have to make sure you've eaten before,and that you alternate drinks between alcoholic, and diet soft/still drinks. You also cannot get absolutely s**t faced, because the alcohol can make your blood sugars dangerously low, which could result in a severe hypoglycaemic attack and can lead to a coma.

What is hypoglycaemia I hear you ask?

Hypoglycaemia, or a Hypo (yes even Diabetes terms have there own little nicknames) is when the blood sugar drops below 4mmol. You start to experience symptoms such as :

• Dizziness
• Hunger
• Blurred Vision
• Lack of Concentration
• Slurred Speech
• THIS REALLY WEIRD FEELING I CANT EXPLAIN BUT DIABETICS WILL GET ME

The danger is, being drunk, and having a hypo, can come across as the same, so often Police/Paramedics won't be as lenient with you, its best not to get drunk as a diabetic, and it's wise to wear a heath bracelet, that states you are Type 1 Diabetic.

I think I'm going to end this post here, as I have said A LOT. But I hope, this has helped others in understanding a little more about Type 1 diabetes, and maybe it can help you if you have a friend/relative who is Type 1 Diabetic, you could even get brownie points off them for surprising them with a fact about it(sad I know). 

Also, If anyone has ANY questions, feel free to email me, I will be more than happy to answer ANYTHING.

Take Care, and here's today's quote.

Our entire life - consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as we are. - Jean Anouilh

Alice x