Accepting defeat isn't a sign of failure.

This post is going to be entirely dedicated to my acceptance of leaving education; for good this time.

So I started studying Fashion at New College Nottingham this September, everything I ever wanted to do. The course itself, is brilliant, the tutors, everything you could ask for in a tutor and more; but I didn't consider myself. I'd had to leave college twice already, for reasons explained in previous posts, and I was determined to not let it beat me this time.

I started the course, with the same problems, and still not in good health. I tried my best to get on and do the work without my mental illness distracting my thoughts and daily activities, but it soon caught up. The first deadline came around and I'd not completed anywhere near enough work as I should.

Creatively, I can produce the work, my mind can come up with the designs, and I know I'm capable of the work given;but physically I couldn't. Lack of control of my Diabetes, anxiety attacks, and overwhelming feelings daily, meant I was having more and more days off. My tutor was extremely understanding an extended my deadline, but still I failed to get the work done.

I told myself it was time to get my head down and just do it, for myself, for my family. The new brief came under way and I again tried my best to get the work done. But I hadn't changed anything within myself; my thoughts or attitude towards my health, so of course I find my self struggling.

It's with this, that I'm taking the decision, to hold my hands up, and accept defeat. I can't be studying in an environment surrounded by materialistic values. It's all about appearance. Of course, it is, its fashion. You could say I asked for it. But I've always wanted to pursue a career in fashion,way before my self esteem and eating disorder issues came around.

The only way, I'm ever going to get better, is to remove myself from situations that are hindering my well-being. Studying fashion, is a constant reminder of all things looks and for someone with an low self esteem and body image issues, I can assure, is hell. Even making the actual garments, requires me to measure myself, or others. Instantly, I punish myself if I don't think I'm what I should be, or if a friend is slimmer/taller.

I said I wouldn't let it beat me, and you could say it is, because I'm giving up my dream for it. But I'm not, I'm accepting that now, is not a good time for me study fashion,and maybe it will never be. But I need health, I need happiness, and that comes above any qualification in life. If I don't sort my diabetes out soon, to be blunt, I will die, sooner rather than later. Or go blind by my mid-20's, a prospect no one wants.

Ultimately, I want to re-iterate that sometimes in life, it's ok to accept defeat, we can't all do what we set out to do,because situations change in life, and we have to learnt to adapt to stay well,and happy. For me right now, taking the pressure away, and getting a job or apprenticeship in a sector that isn't so based on weight/appearance may help. Or even getting a full time job in a clothing/beauty shop may help. I won't know until I try. But what I do know, is that right now, I'm not happy,or healthy. So how am I living? Something has to change, and it's going to be my surroundings.

I hope this can help people understand my actions more, as I feel sometimes I'm regarded a defeatist or negative and easily give up. I'm not, clearly, I'm still fighting and trying to find my happiness, and others need to realise, that you make your own happiness, don't live for others, or be set on ideas you had when you were younger. I was determined to study, then go to University. But quite frankly, that's not ideal for me.

Just live for the moment, and accept change and what may come with it. The greatest achievement in life in my opinion is Happiness, so don't settle for anything less.


“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV