But today, and in light of recent events, I've decided to dedicate a post to talking about a pretty personal issue of mine, Mental Illness.
Depression, Anxiety and Eating Disorders (My issues)- do not have switches, you don't wake up one day with one, likewise you can't wake up one day and decide you don't suffer from them anymore. For me, my trigger was my diabetes, I couldn't control it, it was controlling me. Also, I was around 15, and had exam pressures, I was struggling in Sciences, which I used to excel at, I couldn't be my best, So I decided to control my weight instead, cause I knew exactly how to do that.
It started innocently, I just wanted to be a bit slimmer, as I had actually put on weight after leaving my swimming club, initially, I just ate less crap food, nothing wrong with that surely?
But it became an obsession, the more I couldn't control my diabetes, the more I controlled my food intake. Until,it got to the point when I started to abuse my diabetes, as a method to lose weight. My mindset was, If I'm going to be a shit diabetic, I might as well use it to aid my obsession with my weight.
Can I just say, if you are a young, diabetic girl, reading this, DO NOT EVER skip insulin to lose weight, it doesn't work in the long run, you get sent to hospital to get stabilised, to go home to do the same thing, to go back to hospital.
I basically hit rock bottom, couldn't see any point in life, and because people had cracked on I was abusing my insulin, I found other ways to lose weight, ways I'm not going into, for the pure fact, I don't want to trigger or encourage these ways. HOWEVER, people who know me, will say I've never got severely underweight, and they would be true. I am not claiming to have anorexia nervosa, never have, never will. I've never been diagnosed with a specific eating disorder, because I have symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia.
This leads me to say, I have never , received specialist treatment for my disordered eating, I've been to CAMHS, had therapy for depression, but not once have I been to a clinic for an eating disorder. Initially, I thought, that's it, no hope, no point, I'm stuffed. I told myself, that I didn't deserve life, or help.
I'm going to put out there, that getting help psychologically, can however be successful for some, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) CAN work wonders, and seeing someone and talking to them about the issues you have, does help. But for me, I found it hard to engage.
A diabetic clinic appointment, only 3 months ago, opened my eyes completely. I was basically told, that If I get going like I was, abusing my diabetes, I would only live to 30, if I was lucky. I was given a time phase to live, and that scared me. Although I felt everyday, that I wasn't 'worthy of life' as such, I didn't want to die? Not that young. I had dreams,ambitions and things I wanted to achieve in life. So I decided to make the first step to 'recovery'. I admitted to myself, I had to change. Now.
The main barrier, was myself, and my anxiety. The fear of not controlling my weight, the fear of weight gain. I would over think every situation, to the point where I could think of things that could go wrong that now, looking back, would never even happen. So I decided, to regain control in an area of my life, that I thought could help take the thoughts away from the food, and self-doubt.
College, I'd dropped out twice because of my Mental Health, but the old fighting Alice, decided third time lucky, it's happening this year.
I can't put into words how much attending college, doing something that boosts my confidence, has helped. Doing something you enjoy, and something you know you are good at, because everyone is good at something, takes your mind off those negative thoughts, slowly, but surely.
I can hand on heart say, that since starting college, have gone from purging after every meal, to doing it once in the whole month I've been there, and haven't done it for three weeks, (stress in the first week got the better of me).
I haven't self harmed or even thought about it since I've started.
I'm doing a lot more of my injections, not all, not claiming to be perfect, but it's a start.
What I want to get across is that YOU create your own happiness. If you're not happy within yourself, take a step back, and ask yourself what makes you happy. Whether it be helping others, being creative, whatever makes you happy, do it, do it do it. If you're going through a tough time, and think, that it's not worth it, there's nothing to live for, you're wrong. There is always something worth living for.
A few little pointers I suggest, to help snap out of Depression/Anxiety/Disordered Eating,
- Surround yourself with the people who you know will have your back, through whatever.
- Admit you're struggling, to yourself, and your parents/loved ones.
- Stand up to it; take back that happiness, challenge yourself, it's hard, but it's worth it
- Say Yes to things you wouldn't normally do; in my case, going out to town/meeting new people
- Don't be afraid of failure- you're not going to be perfect at everything, if you fall down, get straight back up and give it another go!
- LOVE YOURSELF- You're you, you were born to be you, if you're going to be good at something, be the best you, don't try to be that pretty girl at school with the perfect skin or the really clever girl in your class; you've probably got something they envy too.
I'm sorry this is SO long, but I really could talk about this topic forever, I hope I have helped people in writing this, to let people know, Mental Illness, can happen to anyone, but anyone can overcome their problems.
Thankyou for reading, it's taken a lot for me to open up like this, but it's worth it if it's going to help people! :)
Take Care, and be happy!
xxxx
